>> Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Scary movies... well, they scare me. When I find myself curled up in a ball, hands over face, something strange happens. I start focusing on the clothing, uttering things like, "I love that skirt!" between appropriate reactions like "Oh!" and "No! No! Ewww!" Halloween is upon us, my darlings. Time to hit up the library for some good old fashioned horror flicks. If you're like me, and require a dash of style with your screams, I suggest you start here:
1. Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)
First and foremost, I present to you Ms. Teri McMinn as the lovely Pam in Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Clever enough to beat the awful Texas heat by rocking a backless bathing suit under a pair of hot pants, but not enough to stay away from that creepy old house. That kind of stuff will get you meat hooked, and shoved in a freezer.
2. Psycho (1960)
Next up, Ms. Janet Leigh as scheming secretary Marion Crane in Psycho. Watch your figure, dress to impress, and be sure to leave behind a beautiful corpse. Oh, and if you encounter any weirdos with obvious mommy issues, just stay out of it.
3. The Rocky Horror Picture Show (1975)
Up next, Ms. Susan Sarandon as Janet Weiss in The Rocky Horror Picture Show. From white cotton undies to running-makeup-rise-from-the-water-can-can-dancing-sex-machine, dammit, Janet, I love you.
4. King Kong (1933)
I have to mention Ms. Fay Wray as Ann Darrow in the original King Kong. Ms. Wray recorded every one of her screams for the film in just one day, deeming her the original "Scream Queen". The directors chose her because of her ability to pull off a blonde wig. Kong chose her because of her gorgeous attire.
5. Carrie (1976)
Next up, the wonderful Ms. Sissy Spacek as social outcast Carrie White in Carrie. Your mom's a religious nut job, you're the favorite target of just about every popular girl in school, and finally, FINALLY you get asked to the prom. Radiant blonde curls and a pretty pink slip gown, all topped off by a bucket a pig's blood. A word to the wise: be kind to the geeky girls in high school because it will be a little too late when you finally realize they're gorgeous... and telekinetic.
6. Repulsion (1965)
Next, we have Catherine Deneuve as Carol in Repulsion. Sure she may be a psychotic paranoid with a severe abhorrence for men. Yeah, she might be suffering from some gruesome hallucinations. She might even slice you with a straight razor, but man, oh, man, she'll look good doing it! Floaty nightgowns and fabulous sixties hairstyles? Killer.
7. Bride of Frankenstein (1935)
Here we have a bewigged Elsa Lanchester as the Bride of Frankenstein. She's alive! ALIVE! It might be the leftover electrical charge, but she's also smokin' hot. The finger waved bouffant is so amazing, you almost don't notice the fact that her face is sewn on. She makes those bandages look like couture. A high class lady, that one. So high class that she immediately left the monster for the doctor.
8. The Amityville Horror (1979)
Here in the near buff we have Margot Kidder as Kathy Lutz in The Amityville Horror. Can a lady not do her topless dance exercises without worrying about flies landing on every square inch of space or creepy ghost voices screaming "Get out!"? I mean, seriously. It's like you finally find a cute old farmhouse where you can raise your kids, and there's an evil pig monster in your attic.
9. The Birds (1963)
Next up, we have Ms. Tippi Hedren as super classy Melanie Daniels in The Birds. The woman drives a rented boat across Bodega Bay in what I can only describe as a "smart" wool skirt suit, dress gloves, heels, and what appears to be a mink coat. Of course she arrives perfectly made up and manicured as if she just stepped out of a high class beauty salon. Rough waters, sea spray, and not a hair out of place. Only severe avian attacks are capable of mussing that perfect coif, and even then, it looks better than my own hair on most days.
10. Rosemary's Baby (1968)
Last but not least, there's Mia Farrow as Rosemary Woodhouse in Rosemary's Baby. If carrying the son of the Antichrist leads to this kind of exquisite grace, sign me up! Delicate features and adorable close-cropped hair, not to mention the ability to make gigantic house mu-mus look gorgeous... yes, please! Now to find a way around that whole date-raped-by-the-devil thing.
If nothing else, any one of these ladies would make for a fabulous Halloween costume! It's coming up faster than you think! Why not go for something classic rather than the expected sexy (insert noun here) option?